The Lazy Bitch’s guide to Eatin Good! (Trader Joe’s)

TRADER JOE’S!
142 East 14th Street
New York, NY 10003-4170
(212) 529-4612

I know you’re all “TRADER JOE’S!? A true lazy bitch wouldn’t want to go there because she wouldn’t want to stand on that long check out line. But that line moves faster than you think. Plus, it’s a trade off because once you get home, you wont have to wait long for your food to cook! Last night I came home on my last leg about to pass out! 5 minutes later I was gettin my GRUB ON!!!! Thank you Trader Joe’s! I wonder who the hell Joe is anyway. I’d like to shake his hand for some of the food his store makes! (I’d also like to SLAP HIM for a couple of those foods too…like the buffalo wings. But we’ll talk about that later.)

Right now, lets talk about what’s good.

While I’m typing this, I’m actually chowing down on 2 kinds of Ravioli. Artichoke Ravioli and Lobster Ravioli. They’re both great! My favorite is the Lobster though! It really is quite lobstery in flavor. The artichoke is good if you like artichokes. It really does taste strongly of artichoke! It didn’t take much effort to cook them. Just throw them in some boiling water for five minutes. One day I’m going to get creative and mix them in with some meat sauce or something! They’re great!

The Vegetable Gyoza is deeeeelicious! These are what took me five minutes to make last night when I thought I was gonna die of starvation and exhaustion! I like them just as much if not better than some of the gyoza I’ve had in real Japanese restaurants. **ducks flying shoes** Maybe its not REAL gyoza? But whatever it is, its GOOD!

I also love the Naan bread! It takes about 3 minutes in the toaster oven! To be a lazy bitch, you MUST have a toaster oven! Nobody has time to be sweating over a giant conventional oven! Nor do we have time to be preheating the oven! A toaster oven is so small all you have to do is turn it on and it’s preheated! I used to go into Indian restaurants, and buy naan to go! Now I can just walk into the kitchen! YESSSSS! Be sure to stock up on that! Its great for mornings when you don’t have time for breakfast.

Look at that, I’ve had foods from 3 different countries and only walked 3 steps to the fridge.

I also love their salmon! They’re these cute little frozen round disks of salmon filet! They take a little longer to cook (by longer, I mean 10-15 minutes instead of 5) but you don’t really have to do much. I throw a few seasonings and a little oil on there and pop em in the toaster oven! Then I go sit down and watch half of a sitcom! By the time I get a few good chuckles in, its time to eat!

The aroma going thru my house smells like I’m cooking a gourmet dinner! If I ever get married my husband is gonna think his wife is a chef! I’ll take everything out of the Trader Joe’s packaging and put it in tupperware and act like I cooked it all from scratch. He’ll come home, and I’ll be rattling pots of boiling water like Cliff Huxtable while the gyoza heats up in my hidden microwave and the naan bread toasts in my toaster oven! I’ll be the talk of the town! All of the wives will marvel at me and wonder how I do it!

I know one thing, when Football night rolls around, he and his friends wont be getting Trader Joe’s buffalo wings! I don’t know wtf Joe was thinking when he made those things but they are THEE WORST! Joe, I thought we were friends? I’m gonna have to change your name to Traitor Joe, because you betrayed my taste buds with those buffalo wings! After all the good food we had, you duped me with those things.

They might SAY “buffalo wings”, but they taste like they’re more from the ASS region of a buffalo! DONT DO IT! Leave those things right there in the frozen section! Trader Joe’s must have drawn up their return policy off the taste those wings alone! Because you don’t even need a RECEIPT to take them back! I guess they know that nobody can even duplicate that kind of mess…so there’s no doubt that you got the wings from them.

Another thing you might want to stay away from are their chicken egg rolls. I guess chicken is just not their forte. I don’t know if they were spoiled or if they were spoiled flavored and supposed to taste that way. But I’m not willing to give them a second chance to find out. If I fed those to my husband, he would cheat on me. And I’d give him a second chance before I gave those egg rolls one.

Aside from those two things, I really can say that overall I’ve had good experiences with Trader Joe’s foods! They really have something for everybody. from the health food nuts to the fatties! They even try to make the fatties not so fat by making yummy but low to no fat snacks like their “No Pudge Fudge Brownies”. They’re pretty good too. It’s a powder mix but all you have to add is no fat vanilla yogurt. Mix it around, pop it in the oven and you’ve got yourself some delicious chocolaty brownies! If me and my imaginary husband ever have some imaginary kids they’re gonna think I’m the best mom in the world when they come home from school and these are waiting for them.

Other great snacks are their Joe Joe’s cookies. They give Oreos a run for their money! Well…lets not get CRAZY but they’re good!

Guess what! They even have PIZZA BAGELS!!! Remember we used to make those as kids?! Mine weren’t quite as fancy as theirs. All I had were bagels, ketchup and Kraft singles! Sometimes instead of a bagel I’d use English Muffins! But it was good to me! I know that’s some ghetto pizza. I call it CHEATZA!

When you’re in Trader Joe’s, make sure you stop by their sample station. Every day they have something new for you to taste. It’s really smart of them to have that. If it weren’t for the sample station, I would never have thought to buy the Joe Joe’s cookies or the No Pudge Fudge Brownies. I also wouldn’t have known how great and crispy their string beans and asparagus spears are. Just be sure to have manners when you’re there. I know the food is yummy and the fact that it’s free is exciting. But the other day I saw a man push a lady out of the way to get a taste! It wasn’t even the last one! Don’t act like a beast!

Below are a few of my other favorites that I think you should try:

• Veggie Birds Nests. These are crispy, fried shredded thingies formed into birds nest shapes. They’re delicious! They come with soy sauce but I like to eat them with ketchup.

• Chocolate lava cake! OOOOOOOOH!

• Carrot Cake

• Chocolate Covered Jelly Rings

• Chocolate Covered Sunflower Seeds

• Freeze Dried Mangos: These have a weird, puffy texture that make them fun to eat.

• Waffles: They’re round and though they’re no eggos, they’re close enough. I bet they’re more healthy than eggos. Trader Joes don’t use all of the preservatives that popular brands use. Plus their waffles only cost about 2 dollars and change, which makes them even better! I like em a lot!

•Rice cakes: I don’t know about you but I love rice cakes! Some people say they taste like Styrofoam! Hey that’s a good thing. Haven’t you ever been tempted to taste Styrofoam? Lol

•Sesame Crepes: They’re not really crepes, they’re these little flat chewy snacks with sesame seeds all over them. I like them. they taste kinda like peanut butter.

• Individually wrapped cheddar cheese sticks: As much as I love these, I don’t think it’s a good idea to eat too many of them. You don’t want them to lock your back door if you know what I’m getting at. Oddly my cat loves these cheese sticks too! He goes nuts whenever I open one. Maybe I should give a lot to HIM! Then maybe he’ll give that poor litter box a rest.

I’m so thankful to Trader Joe’s for finally coming to New York! As popular as New York seems to be, we often seem to be last on the list to get the good stores. We didn’t get a K-Mart til the 90s! Whats up with THAT?! Anyway…lets not complain about the past! We have it NOW and I have a good ole time perusing the aisles!

Trader Joe’s 14th street is a little too small to peruse but I’m lucky, I live near a bigger one! I’m not telling you where it is because I don’t want it getting all crowded like 14th street. KEEP YOUR BIG MOUTH SHUT GOOGLE! Just kidding…its in Brooklyn on Court Street. Maybe I’ll see you there! (130 Court Street, Brooklyn NY (718) 246-8460)